In My Veins
by beautifulsoull
Summary: A Beremy fic! Bonnie and Jeremy grieve their relationship and try to move forward. Set in early season 4.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

* * *

Bonnie stepped out on to her porch. A soft wind blew her bangs to the side of her forehead. She zipped her hoodie all the way, looking up at the stars. She wondered if Jeremy did the same. No, she didn't want to think about him, she wasn't going to think about him. She wanted to enjoy her night, the beautiful night time that always made her feel better. She loved everything about it. The stars, the quiet, calm feeling. She loved knowing that people were sleeping peacefully, relaxing, watching TV, eating, laughing, loving, dreaming, thinking. And she loved the sound of the cars that drove by every once in a while. Sometimes she wondered where the person or people might be going, what they might be doing, what their lives were like even. They have to be better. There must be happy people living in Mystic Falls, happy, normal people. People like her weren't. People like her, Elena, Caroline, Tyler and J-

She did it again. She promised herself she wouldn't tonight. The young witch was already thinking too much. That was probably the only thing she didn't like about the night. Stay up too late, over think every little thing, get depressed. Not tonight. Bonnie Bennett couldn't think about him. She was alone, it was too quiet, and too scary for that. If she did it now, if she opened her mind to him, she'd have to feel it, everything. There was no one for her to hide from, no one she needed to do something for, no one who needed to suck the energy from her. She had no one to be strong for. And there was no where she could run to escape from herself. All she could do was feel it, just feel it, just feel it. She couldn't, not now, not tonight.

It was already too late. She couldn't stop thinking about _him_. Jeremy Gilbert. She missed him, she missed his smile, his gorgeous brown eyes, his soft, sexy voice. She missed the way he laughed, his sarcasm, the way he joked with her, the way he looked at her, the way they communicated. But most of all, she missed the way he protected her, the way she would channel him, the way he sacrificed himself for her, the way he loved her. What happened? He'd really had her fooled. And for what?

Any other time, he'd be here comforting her. She had him to look after her, him who cared, him she could cry with, him she could trust. It was perfect. But not anymore. Everything changes. Should have known it was too good to be true. Still, Bonnie couldn't understand why he'd stopped loving her. And there it goes. Her bottom lip quivered and she breathed in deeply, feeling sick. She was tired of holding it in and so she let the tears fall. She walked back into her house, her empty house, closing and locking the door behind her. How pathetic was she, crying over her ex, outside in the middle of the night. She feels like an idiot.

Bonnie crawls into her bed. It's cold. She has no idea what time it is now, just wants to sleep. She wished that she could sleep forever. She didn't want to deal with it anymore, didn't want to _feel_ anything. Again, again, again. Maybe she'd dream about Jeremy. No, why would she want that? She didn't want to dream about the boy who had broken her heart. Yes, he'd broken her. He'd ruined what they had. Tarnished it, forever. But she did. And she didn't know how to get over it. Did she even want to? No. She wanted to hold on to it, this love that she had... even though she shouldn't love him at all. He shouldn't make her feel like _this_. Not after what he did.

Should she tell him? No, talking to Jeremy was not an option. He'd acted like he didn't know her, he'd completely disregarded her, it's like he'd forgotten all about her. Bonnie buried her face into her pillow, sobbing uncontrollably now. This isn't the way it should have happened. This isn't the way it should be. She heard a loud buzzing noise, startling her. Her phone lit up. Who would be calling her right now? Probably Elena. Bonnie sighed. Feeling sick, she grabbed the phone off of her nightstand. But it wasn't a call. It was a text... from Jeremy.

Jer:

_Hey Bon. R u sleeping_

_2:23 AM_

She stared at the message for a while, sitting up on the bed, wiping the tears from her eyes. Why on Earth would he be texting her now? Heck, why would he text her at all? She had nothing to say to him. He didn't seem to have much to say either, considering the fact that the only time they talk is when she's trying to do some kind of life threatening spell. He hadn't even tried apologizing to her again. Her heart started beating fast. She felt nervous and didn't know if she wanted to respond or not. Maybe she'd reply just once... to see what he wanted. Okay then. She hoped he would reply soon, if not she had a feeling she'd stay up waiting.

_No. What do you want?_

_2:30 AM_

Jer:

_Just 2 talk._

_2:31 AM_

He had replied almost instantly. She was glad.

Bon:_  
_

_Talk about what exactly? _

_2:33 AM_

Jer:

_Us. Everything. I miss u..._

_2:33 AM_

Her head hurts from crying so much, crying over Jeremy Gilbert, the guy who stomped on her heart. Now, he texts her at 3 AM, telling her he misses her. What the fuck? No. It was just too much. He wasn't going to do this. She wasn't going to let him pop up out of nowhere and decide when he wanted to miss her, when HE wanted to talk. She just couldn't.

Bon:

_There is no us. I think it's best you leave me alone._

_2:40_

She turned her phone off, rolled over on the bed and shut her eyes. She wishes she could talk to him, tell him how much she still loves him, hug him, kiss him but she can't. It hurts so badly. She hates HIM. But she doesn't. She loves him, loves him, loves him. She loves him so much.

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**This is my first fic so please give feedback! I do plan on updating sometime this week.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

* * *

Jeremy couldn't bear the thought of _never_ being with Bonnie again. He wished he could go back in time, before it all went to hell, he wished that none of this had ever happened, he wished that she'd change her mind and call him right now. Why would she do that, though? She wanted him to leave her alone. Of course she did. And Jeremy he didn't blame her. He read it and over again. There is _no_ us. _Leave_... her alone. _No_ us. He laid on his couch, staring up at the ceiling. There was nothing on TV but infomercials. And Bonnie had text him. He was happy about that, he wasn't sure if she'd reply. But... her words hit him hard and there was nothing he could do about it. If Bonnie wanted her space, he'd have to respect that.

How could he have been such an idiot? And how could he be so wrong about someone? Jeremy thought about Anna and how he'd ruined him and Bonnie's relationship. He was horrible, walking around with her, kissing her and holding hands with her like she was his girlfriend. He knew it was wrong. But why did he say what he said? It hadn't always been Anna. Jeremy had loved Vicki before and after he knew her. And all they did was use each other. Regardless, whatever they had didn't matter anymore. She died and he moved on long ago... he had found someone else, only to choose her ghost over his real life girlfriend, to take three steps back. God, he was so stupid.

When Bonnie cried in front of him, he acted like he didn't understand why she was upset, like he didn't know her. He told her that he owed her an _explanation_ instead of an apology. Bonnie had loved him with all her heart. She went against_ nature_ for him, she saved his life, she had given him all of her. And how did he repay her? By cheating. It was foul. What kind of person was he if he was capable of doing something like this? He made a fool of himself.

This was Bonnie Bennett, his guardian angel, his gorgeous emerald eyed witch, his sister's older best friend, the girl he was crazy about. He didn't expect to fall in love with her.. but he did. That happened. How could he do this to her? _Monster_, Jeremy thought. She had suffered enough and he only added to it. He was her champion once. She took care of her and he did the same. He was a good boyfriend, the best he could be. How did it come to this?

Who did Bonnie have now? Grams was gone, parents never around. Stefan and Damon? Definitely not. Her, Caroline and Elena only seemed to talk every once in a while. Bonnie needed other people in her life. She needed support. Why should she be the one to have to go through it all alone? He took a deep breath. He was ashamed of himself, as he should be. None of this was okay. Jeremy balled up his fist. He was frustrated to the point of tears.

He didn't know what to do. He felt like he couldn't _do_ anything. He couldn't talk to Bonnie if she said not to, he wasn't just going to invade her personal space. For now, he'd have to back off. And wait for her to change her mind about him, for her to feel the same way she did before, if she ever could. Jeremy had so many thoughts in his head, they were all jumbled together. It was overwhelming. He felt sad, angry and then.. empty, like a piece of him was missing.

He had Bonnie, something real and beautiful. But he threw it all away for a love that he never truly had in the first place. With everything they had to deal with, everything they had to go through, the loss, the constant struggle, there was a bright side. Bonnie was his bright side. There was happiness and he destroyed it. _Stupid, stu__pid._ He couldn't talk to anyone about this. A while ago, he would have had her to turn to. He'd call her up and they could talk about anything and everything, or they could talk about nothing at all. They could stay up on the phone for hours, just listening to each other breathe until they both fell asleep.

There was so much that he needed to tell Bonnie. He really wanted to work this out, he needed to. it couldn't be over between the two of them. It just couldn't. He had to talk to her, he couldn't just let this go, he needed to make sure that she knew how he felt about her. He'd tell her all about it, how crazy he was for her, how sorry and stupid he felt, but most of all, how much he loved her. He _never_ told her that he loved her. After letting her know, he'd give her space. If he held it all in, if he didn't tell her how he felt about her, he'd regret it for the rest of his life.

Jeremy had dreams about her. Dreams of the two running away from Mystic Falls together, leaving everyone and everything behind. They'd travel all around the world, preferably to somewhere cold first. They'd drink hot chocolate, throw snowballs at each other, have sex and cuddle at night to keep each other warm._ Maybe one day_...

But he didn't want to look into him and Bonnie's future, if they had one at all. He couldn't assume that everything would go back to normal, that it would all be fine again. He could only hope it would, that they'd go back to the start. But he needed to brace himself for what might happen. What if she didn't want anything to do with him, never to even speak to him again?

It was late, too late. He needed to get some shuteye. He wasn't planning on going to school, but he wanted to see Bonnie and he had to be up at seven o' clock in the morning. Jeremy picked up the remote from off of the coffee table and clicked the television off. He turned off all the lights in the kitchen and front room, then checked to make sure the doors were locked. He walked upstairs, quietly. He didn't want to wake Elena in fear of her asking him too many questions, being intrusive as she always was. In his bedroom, he took off his jeans and hoodie. He got into bed, pulling the covers over his head, closing his eyes, not able to get her out of his mind. Sleep doesn't come easy.

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**A/N: Thank you so much for reading! I will work on making the chapters longer from now on.  
**


	3. Chapter 3

The white light of morning came streaming into Bonnie's bedroom as a loud beeping sound filled the room, waking her. She groaned and then hit the snooze button, turning her head over on her soft pillows. It was too early. Just five more minutes. Because five more minutes will make a huge difference, Bonnie thought. And you won't be late or end up over sleeping. She drifted back to sleep.

Five minutes pass.

There goes that horrible sound again. She hated that sound. Maybe later, she'd find something more pleasant to change it to. She dismissed the alarm and decided she'd lay down for a couple more minutes.

The first thing she thought about was...him. His arms, his smile, his gorgeous chocolate brown eyes. What was wrong with her? Why did she spend every waking moment thinking of the boy who had done her so wrong?

It was quiet in her house, no bright smiles or, "Good mornings" to greet her. With everything that was going on, it was stupid to dwell on. Bonnie ignored the growling in her stomach, deciding that she'd skip breakfast. There wasn't enough time. She was already going to be late.

She didn't want to stick around and obsess over Jeremy.

* * *

Jeremy was so tired. He'd got up and taken a long, hot shower. He still couldn't stop thinking about her. Now that it was over, she was all he thought about. He breathed her, tasted her, felt her all around him, saw her. She was the only one he saw. Everything reminded him of her. She was everywhere, everything to him. His heart was beating for her.

He felt like he couldn't live without her. He was helpless, in love. He needed her to know, know that she was his everything.

He was still hurt. It sucked knowing that they weren't okay. He didn't feel right going to sleep, waking up in the morning, going to school, to class, knowing that Bonnie probably hated him. They'd go days without speaking. And it was all his fault. He really messed up. He'd ruined them, ruined everything. He just hoped he could fix it all.

"Morning."

"Morning!" His older sister said cheerily, a huge grin on her face.

The scent of bacon grease filled the air. Elena was making breakfast.

"You're in a good mood." Jeremy raised his eyebrows.

"Me and Damon are gonna spend the day together."

"So you're not going to school?"

"No. I thought I'd make you some breakfast."

"Uh, Elena, thanks but I really don't have time to eat. I'm gonna be late, so.."

"...Oh, well that's fine. You can eat it when you get back."

"Yeah," Jeremy gave her an awkward smile. "I'll see ya later."

It rubbed him the wrong way, thinking about Elena spending time with Damon while she was sired to him.

* * *

Hey, Caroline."

"Oh, hey Bon!" She flashed a smile at her. They met each other at their lockers every morning.

"What's up? Have you heard from Elena?"

"No. She's probably off somewhere with Damon."

"Oh." Bonnie shrugged.

"Ugh," Caroline replied, shaking her head in disgust. "I don't want to think about what they might be doing! Let's just go."

Neither did Bonnie. They sat next to each other in US history, taking notes. But as the teacher gave his lesson, Bonnie's mind drifted further away from it and she got lost in her thoughts. She then remembered Jeremy asking her about her magic, asking her if she'd use it to pass a test and talking about sex spells. Bonnie's checks flushed. She felt her heart flutter, a smile formed on her lips. Then she felt eyes on her, eyes that belonged to Caroline. She returned her glance.

"Excuse me miss, what are you smiling about?" Caroline whispered, brows raised.

"Umm, nothing," she said, raising her eyebrows back at Caroline. They giggled.

"I'll wait for you to finish your conversation." The teacher glared at them, pausing his lesson.

"Sorry." Caroline leaned back in her chair.

One minute she was crying over him and the next she couldn't stop smiling because of him. But why was she? She thought of her fingers running down Jeremy's lips, her hands on his chest, feeling his heart beat, the way he looked down at her, giving himself to her; mind, body and soul.

Caroline looked over at her and whispered, "We'll talk about this later."

"It's really nothing, Caroline."

She squinted her eyes, cocking her head to the side. "I don't believe you, like I said, we will talk about it."

Bonnie shook her head.

* * *

Jeremy's in Geometry when the second bell rings. He takes the long way to his next class, hoping he'll bump into her. _What if she isn't at school,_ he thought. _What if she just shrugged him off_?

He didn't see her. But they had the same lunch period.

He sat with Matt and Tyler. He had looked over his shoulder at Bonnie. And his heart skipped a beat.

"Dude, what's up with you? You're looking a little pale." Matt frowned at him.

Jeremy raised his eyebrows, looking up from his tray of gross cafeteria food. He should have brought his own lunch. "Uhh, what? No, I'm fine."

"Don't lie, Gilbert," said Tyler.

"I'm not, Lockwood." Jeremy shifted in his chair.

"Anything to do with Bon-Bon?" I saw you staring at her just now.

Matt laughed. "Bon-Bon, nice."

Jeremy rolled his eyes. "I wasn't staring, I just looked."

"But it wasn't just a look." Matt looked over at Bonnie, smiling.

"Stop it. Don't draw attention to us."

"Are you still into her?" Tyler asked.

"I don't blame you. She's totally gorgeous," said Matt.

Jeremy looked back and forth between the two of them. He pressed his lips together.

"Well...? Are you gonna talk?"

"Guys, just drop it. There's nothing to tell."

* * *

Bonnie frowned at her lunch tray which consisted of weird school pizza and broccoli. The school had a rule to include one vegetable in each meal for health reasons. But It didn't even look or taste like the real thing.

"So you gonna tell me what you were so smiley about before?"

"Caroline, it's nothing, really."

The blonde girl scowled at her.

"Bonnie."

"Uh, yeah." Bonnie looked around the room. Jeremy, Tyler and Matt were laughing about something. "Well, maybe there is something."

"Bonnie, what is it?"

"Jeremy."

Caroline's eyes grew wide. "What?!"

She shook her head. "Well, he texted me last night."

"Saying what?"

"Here." Bonnie grabbed the phone from out of her purse, she opened the message and handed it to Caroline.

"He misses you! This is a good thing right? I mean, I know you still love him," she exclaimed.

"But I told him to leave me alone."

"So what? That's a good thing. Make him work for it."

"I don't think he'd even bother." Bonnie pressed her lips together, slightly shaking her head.

"Bonnie," Caroline dropped her shoulders, tilting her head to the side.

"And I don't even know if I want to go back there, Caroline. I don't know if I can..." She trailed off. "I'm still really hurt. I can't..."

"Bon, it's okay, it is," Caroline's voice was softer than before. "It was horrible, what Jeremy did to you. You're not ready to forgive and forget yet."

"No, I'm not. I don't even know if he really is sorry. He just.. He apologized to me once. He didn't even try.."

"Oh, Bonnie." She was sad for her best friend. "I know he loves you. I saw the way he was with you, the way he still is. I don't believe for a second that he's ever stopped caring."

Bonnie looked away from her. Caroline might not have believed that but she did. Jeremy had proved it. He never loved her. He liked her.. But that was it. And it wasn't enough.

"Um, can we change the subject? I really don't wanna talk about it." The young Bennett looked away from her.

"Yeah, yeah, of course. But if you need anything...when you wanna talk, I'll be there for you. You know that, right?"

"I do. Thanks, Caroline." Bonnie smiled politely at her.

"What are friends for?"

"Uh-"

Bonnie's eyes grew wide. Jeremy was walking towards them.

"Ugh, Caroline!" Bonnie whispered urgently. "He's coming over here. Don't look."

"What, who?!" Caroline turned around. Bonnie rolled her eyes.

"Hey, Bonnie, Caroline." Jeremy smiled awkwardly at them both. "Uh, Bonnie, I- I- really need to talk to you...if that's okay."

Bonnie looked at Caroline who nodded her head.

"Jer - I-"

"Bonnie, please?" Jeremy frowned, he had a pleading look in his eyes. She couldn't stand seeing him look like that.

"Okay, okay, sure." She spoke quietly and stood up to face him. Caroline looked up at her and smiled, sympathetically.

Bonnie felt awkward, like she didn't know how to control her movements, she was afraid she'd trip and fall over. She folded her arms across her stomach.

"We should probably go somewhere more...private."

"Yeah, okay, sure," Jeremy said, with the tone of surprise. He didn't expect for her to want to go anywhere with him.

* * *

Bonnie led Jeremy to the library. The librarian and a couple of students were there. They went into one of the computer labs, it was just through the door.

It was cold in the room. They had the air conditioning turned on. Jeremy saw Bonnie shiver, she rubbed both of her arms. He wanted to wrap her up in his. But he couldn't.

"I know you said you wanted me to leave you alone. And you probably hate me but..."

"What?" Bonnie looked up Jeremy with confusion in her eyes. "Jeremy, no. I didn't mean -"

Bonnie didn't understand how Jeremy could believe that she hated him. It was like before he left to Denver, when he told her that he didn't think she cared at all. _Of course_ she cared.

"It's okay, really. I get it."

She shakes her head at him. "No, you don't."

Bonnie was inching towards Jeremy. She couldn't help herself, she stood dangerously close to him now.

Jeremy looked down into her eyes. He looked at her as if she were the only thing that mattered in the world...because she was.

"I do. I just need you to know how sorry I am for what I did to you. I know I could say it a million times and it wouldn't be enough but I am so, so sorry, Bonnie. I lo-"

He wanted to pour his heart out to her. He was gonna tell her how much he loved her. She cut him off. And in one short moment, her lips came crashing down on his.

* * *

**A/N**: **To anyone who's still reading this story, I am so, so sorry for taking this long to update! I've been really busy with school lately but it's over soon and I'll be able to write more frequently. I'm sorry again and thanks for your patience!  
**

**Please let me know what you thought of this chapter!**


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